Little one, I can currently feel you moving in my tummy.
You may be sleeping (since you’re not doing the acrobatic moves you usually do), I’m not sure- but I do know that right now, you are as safe as you will ever be because you are a part of me. This will never change, of course. You have been the most important part of me ever since I knew you were there. Once you are welcomed into the world though, everything will be a bit different. Right now, I know where you are every second of the day and I know you are being taken care of because I am here doing the best I can to watch over you. Again, this will never change.
You will grow up and I already love imagining the person you will become. Will you enjoy academics? Will you be a bookworm or prefer trying every sport? Will you be artistic and will you be outgoing? I want you to know that I will be proud of you- no matter what you enjoy doing or who you end up being as long as you are kind. You won’t know this for some time, but the world can be a really scary place. This past month alone, there have been events that have occurred around the world that bring tears to my eyes. Bad things happen every day but that doesn’t make handling it any easier. Being a kind, polite, compassionate and strong yet gentle person is so important. I hope I teach you to become a person with those qualities, no matter what. Perhaps people will say that having those qualities can make a person weak- and I don’t want you to believe them. You can be strong and strong-willed while being kind; one does not negate the other.
There are beautiful aspects to the world too, believe me. I will show you how even the rain, which many people dislike, can be beautiful and refreshing (not to mention the rainbows that come after it). There is beauty in everything- you just need to know how to see it. I will want to protect you from whatever bad things and harsh experiences I can, but there will still be times when there is simply nothing I can do- it’s part of growing up and you will have many of your own life lessons learned this way. It will not be easy for me to witness you go through these things, but I will always be there to offer advice (whether or not you take it, is up to you), this too- will never change.
Much of this may not make sense to you until you’re all grown up and have a family of your own but I never knew I could be so protective of someone who hasn’t even breathed a lung full of air yet. As your Mommy, I just want you to always feel safe and for you to know that I am here. I will admit that I am nervous about being a good Mom- not for lack of trying but for reasons that are beyond my control or understanding. I want you to know that I will try and that will never change.
When I found out I was having you, my beautiful baby boy, I honestly had my doubts about what kind of relationship we would have- that I would somehow not be close to you like I would want to be but all those doubts have completely vanished. Every time I gently rub my tummy and you kick in response, every time I start talking to you, every time I think of you throughout the day- I hope you feel how much love is in every action I take. I can’t wait to hold you, to smell the scent only babies have, and to have you fall asleep in my arms.
I keep thinking “I wish I could be pregnant forever” and I know this will turn into “I wish he would stay a baby forever” and eventually, “I wish he would stay a child forever”. While I know none of that is realistic, for you will grow and it will be my honor to watch it happen, I will be your Mommy forever, you will be my Son forever and I will love you forever- and that will never change.
*I will eventually write more letters for my Son to read (when he is old enough) in a Journal I keep. I am unsure as to how frequently they will be written, but most likely at milestones in the future of the pregnancy like right before his birth, right after birth etc then at other special times in his life. Therefore the views and opinions expressed are mine and mine alone, for you to agree or disagree with. I just find it much easier to type out drafts before I finalize them for the Journal I eventually give to him. Thanks for reading and respecting the posts!*